Defense of Marriage Act

I believe marriage needs to be defended, but my vision is slightly different than the one most reported on. The institution of marriage has been attacked for decades, but not by homosexuals. Today it was reported that a couple sought divorce after 90 minutes of marriage. At the reception, the groom made a toast to the bridesmaids that the bride took offense to, so she did what every blushing bride would do. She bashed him over the head with an ashtray. He in turn got violent himself, and when the police were called to the scene, he was arrested (not her?), and within an hour and a half the bride had petitioned for divorce.

There are reality television shows promising instant marriage from a collection of a few dozens suitors. We have Anna Nicole Smith marrying a billionaire on his deathbed. We have Robert Blake and his reportedly gold-digging murdered wife. You've got Rush and Newt and their shenanigans. Heck, even Stephen Hawking, yeah, Stephen phukkin' Hawking, in his wheelchair, speaking through a machine, I've heard tell that he dumped his wife who supported him all those years and shacked up with his nurse. I can hear his electronic voice now, "I... leaving... you... for... the.... nurse... she... gives... better... sponge... baths..."

How many marriages do some of these celebrities have under their belts? Larry King? Liz Taylor? Ah, and then there are Nevada chapels for Brittney and urge weddings. In my hometown, there is a large Indian population, and even in this country, they are taking part in arranged marriages between couples who have never met or at best have met once or twice.

Yes, marriage needs to be defended. Against "I Want to Marry a Millionaire" and habitual serial brides and grooms and violent, stupid people. I propose that the contract of marriage be upheld by the government. If you file for a divorce, all your tax returns for the time you were married should be refiled as individual returns, and if you would have owed more money as single people, you have to pay up. I want the children of a divorcing couple to be able to sue for breach of contract. I want people who have been married 5 times to be refused the right to marry again. I want anyone who files for divorce and has been married for a shorter amount of time than they dated their spouse to be fined or put on probation or required to go to marriage and relationship counseling. I want the drive-in wedding chapels of Las Vegas outlawed. I want all couples who want to be married to be required to go through classes and group sessions to get to the heart of why they intend to marry.

Never mind loving gay couples. It's the Brittneys and Larrys and Lizes and Newts and Rushes and Darvas of this world who have already ruined the institution of marriage. Tell you what, we gay people won't push for marriage until you straight people clean it up and make it an institution to be proud of again. You're the real abomination.