Did you hit the Hallmark store like I did last week? Did you ever notice how a card has to say just the right thing? Despite the fact that you know no one ever actually reads the text of the card, just what you wrote in it? But there we all stand going through the racks of the inane, idiotic, insipid, hokey, overly-sentimental, flowery, kitschy, and unfunny garbage that they truck out for every holiday. And they never get it exactly right. Every card is too this or not enough that. You can never find the perfect card that says exactly what you want to say. On Wednesday I was in there, and I went through every rack, and despite spending almost my entire lunch hour, I could not find a single card that said, "Happy Mother's Day to the Lesbian Carrying My Baby." Seriously. Not a single one. I even would have settled for one that said, "To the Mother-to-Be. Happy Mother's Day from Your Gay Babydaddy."
I thought that was enough, but on Friday I found myself in there again. Seriously, this company slings the smelliest rose-water-scented beast feces at us on those racks of drivel. And there I was again, and not a single card of the hundreds and hundreds said what I wanted it to say. Have you noticed how people need to remind the person getting the card what their relationship is to the card receiver? Are there that many people out there with Alzheimer's that Hallmark sells these cards that say, 'from your son' or 'from your daughter?' As if all these women out there won't know that a card signed, 'Love, Pete,' is from her son Pete. 'Remember me, Mom? Pete. Your son. We used to live together.' OK, my favorites are 'from the cat' and 'from the dog.' I'm not kidding. They have cards you can send to a woman to make her think her tabby can write and has enough pocket change to go shopping, yet I couldn't find a card that says, "You're not my mother, but you're dating my dad, and he made me buy this card for you. Happy Mother's Day."