Now folks, don't freak out here, but I have discovered an alternative fuel source that could probably power the entire country from here on out. It may sound a bit shocking, but really, don't be surprised by it. It won't effect us in any way. Now recently a mediocre movie came out that gave me the spark for the idea, and trust me when I tell you, we can do this! It was 'The Day After Tomorrow.' I propose that instead of importing oil, we burn books to heat our homes. This can work! Trust me! Now, now, now. I know some of you are thinking, OH MY DOG! HE CAN'T BE SERIOUS! Hey, doesn't he work in publishing!?! Well, yes! That's exactly why I know this can really work. Don't worry, I don't propose ransacking libraries. No, just the remainder book business. You see, in the book industry, books are returnable. For full credit. Well, in order to sell 20,000 copies of one book, a publisher probably printed up to 40,000 copies and took back the ones that didn't sell. The unsold books either end up on bargain shelves or get... yes, destroyed. Think about it. Two books made to sell one. Why not burn the leftovers and heat our homes! Why recently I heard about one book, one book mind you... the publisher distributed 900,000 copies all over the country. Bookstores sold 400,000 and are in the process of returning 500,000 copies. Baby, that's Texas Black Gold! One to every household, and that one single book will keep an entire city warm for a night! Father can read from the copy he bought by the warm light of the fireplace.
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