Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The Two Magic Words

I don't know why straight men don't absolutely love gay men. Every straight man should have that one close gay friend. Cuz guys seriously, we know all of women's secrets. And when a woman finds out that you have a close friend who is gay, she's going to think you're so cool, so nice, so non-judgmental. And she's also going to tell me all her secrets, which I could then relay to you. Besides, do you straight boys know what we keep telling women? Cuz you know we all have a gaggle of women around us, and what do we say over and over and over to them? 'You really need to get laid.' Come on, guys, we are your biggest supporters!

OK, here's some proof. Guys, we know The Two Magic Words that can get any woman to like you. I can't guarantee you'll be surfing the poontang highway within minutes, but The Two Magic Words can open up the doors to further conversation and make her think you're 'not like all the other guys.' You know the secret, guys... flattery. And you know you can't comment on her looks or her body. No, the secret is this: "Nice shoes."

Now, of course, that alone is not enough. Because her first thought is going to be, "Great, another gay guy noticing my shoes." But hey, the backdoor approach (hehehe) is always the best. Cuz when she realizes that you are NOT gay, she'll be all over you. I suggest several back-ups to The Two Magic Words. Always make her feel like she's better than other women:

"Nice shoes. You know, my ex had a pair like that, but they never looked right on her."
"Nice shoes. I bet my sister would love those."
"Nice shoes. I don't usually notice women's shoes, but I don't know, there's something about those shoes on you..." OK, maybe that one's a bit much...

I would definitely steer you away from:

"Nice shoes. My mom has a pair just like those."
"Nice shoes. Do you think they come in my size?"
"Nice shoes. They really make your tits look bigger."
"Nice shoes. So, ya wanna f*ck?"

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