Stupid Women

Do you see these women in your town? You see them all over the streets of Manhattan. You have to walk behind them to see what I'm talking about. And look lower than you usually do, straight boys. I'm talking about these women who wear high heels that are so precariously high, as each foot steps down onto the concrete, you can see the ankle physically wobble as they catch balance for each and every step on the needle tip of their high-heeled shoe. The ankle very obviously shakes and wobbles for a split-second on each and every step. Seriously, that can not be good. Watch for it.

I saw a woman the other day that was wearing shoes like that AND a poncho. I put her in my file of 'People Who Need to Be Slapped.'

Bring Your....

Today was Bring Your Child to Work Day.

Well, I don't have a child. So what was i supposed to do?

So I made it Bring Your Favorite Henry Miller Novel to Work Day.

I've been carrying it around all day.

Just Wondering...

If every time you drink, you kill more brain cells, why aren't I dead yet?

You know, I took one of my customers out for lunch the other day, and I ordered first and asked for a glass of red wine. My customer, a truly adorable straight man -- can I clone him and make the clone gay -- smiles and says, 'You know, there's just not enough of that any more! I'll have a glass of wine, too! When did people stop drinking with a business lunch!' We are firm in our conviction that we will bring back drinking with lunch! Join us! It's a revolution! Okay, well, maybe it's a re-revolution.

The Two Magic Words

I don't know why straight men don't absolutely love gay men. Every straight man should have that one close gay friend. Cuz guys seriously, we know all of women's secrets. And when a woman finds out that you have a close friend who is gay, she's going to think you're so cool, so nice, so non-judgmental. And she's also going to tell me all her secrets, which I could then relay to you. Besides, do you straight boys know what we keep telling women? Cuz you know we all have a gaggle of women around us, and what do we say over and over and over to them? 'You really need to get laid.' Come on, guys, we are your biggest supporters!

OK, here's some proof. Guys, we know The Two Magic Words that can get any woman to like you. I can't guarantee you'll be surfing the poontang highway within minutes, but The Two Magic Words can open up the doors to further conversation and make her think you're 'not like all the other guys.' You know the secret, guys... flattery. And you know you can't comment on her looks or her body. No, the secret is this: "Nice shoes."

Now, of course, that alone is not enough. Because her first thought is going to be, "Great, another gay guy noticing my shoes." But hey, the backdoor approach (hehehe) is always the best. Cuz when she realizes that you are NOT gay, she'll be all over you. I suggest several back-ups to The Two Magic Words. Always make her feel like she's better than other women:

"Nice shoes. You know, my ex had a pair like that, but they never looked right on her."
"Nice shoes. I bet my sister would love those."
"Nice shoes. I don't usually notice women's shoes, but I don't know, there's something about those shoes on you..." OK, maybe that one's a bit much...

I would definitely steer you away from:

"Nice shoes. My mom has a pair just like those."
"Nice shoes. Do you think they come in my size?"
"Nice shoes. They really make your tits look bigger."
"Nice shoes. So, ya wanna f*ck?"

A New Plane

A new plane took its maiden voyage today. With 555 seats and room for double beds, lounges, even a mini-casino and a jacuzzi, but there's still not enough overhead luggage room.

My Global Moment

This morning, on the street in New York City, from a Mexican grocer, I bought an Asian Pear that was grown in Chile.

Not only do we live in a global world, it really makes it difficult not to mix modifiers.

Days Turn Into Weeks....

And I realize I haven't written a thing. I sail through the weeks these days: work, school, work, work, school, work, work. I need to schedule more breathing and pooping time. Oh yeah, and then maybe post something here in between. Heck, I have wireless internet. I can multi-task: blog and poop at the same time! I just hope I don't run out of battery time on the ol' laptop. What, too much information? Damn, out of paper! I hate when that happens.