2 Types of Men

Here's to my friend Natalie who offered this realization a long time ago.

There are two types of men in this world. One will take you to the carnival and win you a teddy. The other will take you to the mall and buy you a teddy... and make you wear it for him.

I'll Never Understand Women

It's either 200 dollar 4-inch heels from a designer store on Fifth Avenue, or it's 2 buck flip-flops from Target. And that's in the same week.

Targeting

I think they have it all wrong, these terrorists. If they were to attack the commuter rail lines, I wouldn't be able to get to work. This really isn't the greatest way to instill fear in people. The sad thing is, most Americans probably wouldn't be mortified or shocked if they targeted the White House or the Capitol. You want to really get under people's skin in this country? Target the American Idol try-outs.

I Think They Are Missing the Point

OK, horrible about what is going on in London. Commuting through Penn Station everyday and seeing hundreds of police officers and National Guardsmen carrying assault rifles out in the open is quite nerve-wracking.

There is a huge campaign being waged to keep people aware and, as NJ Transit puts it, vigilant. Be aware of your surroundings. Report any suspicious packages, and don't leave your baggage unattended. Unattended baggage. Well, folks, these are people that are strapping on backpacks full of explosives and blowing themselves up. Somehow I don't think being aware of unattended packages necesarily protects against their modus operandi. I think instead I'll keep myself aware of non-unattended backpacks strapped to gentlemen with unkempt beards, chanting to themselves, especially if I see any exposed wires. I don't think they necessarily grasp the concept of 'leave a bag unattended.'

Dog Days

Man is it smoldering here in New York City today! I just opened the window to check on the temperature, and a wall of oppressive heat and humidity hit me in the face. Now I'm sure we can't compete with poor Lisa stuck in the middle of the desert in Palm Springs (what is it today, 120?), but hey, you know... it's a dry heat. hehehe.. I bet that'll annoy her.

Am I really blogging about the weather? You've got to be kidding me. Isn't it bad enough that we have to deal with phone calls from cousins and fathers and siblings that go no further than, 'hey how's that weather, huh?' Now I'm actually discussing it where we should be talking about creativity and writing and Karl Rove. No, I just can't go there. I'd rather talk about the heat index.

My mantra is, 'No matter what happens the rest of the week, this weekend, I'll be at My Happy Place.' Ah, deep tissue massage scheduled for Saturday morning. I caaaan't wait!

Now please go back to your pens, turn up the air conditioners, and scribble out some more tiny stories for me. Lisa and I have been really enjoying this project, and I believe we will be extending the deadline to keep you all working hard. More news on that to come.

Shuttle Delay

This morning on the train, where I'm sure you will note I do much of my thinking, the space shuttle came to mind. Recent delays for the launch probably have a lot of people wondering about all the problems they seem to have. A plastic window protector falls off and possibly damages a tile, canceling a lift-off. Then yesterday, a potential problem called off the launch again with the astronauts already buckled into their seats.

Well, don't worry too much about it. Every intricate system has glitches like that. But for NASA, it's just more natural that you cancel or delay. Everything has to be exactly right for a launch through the atmosphere and into space. You have to be careful. It's not as traumatic as you think -- it's just that the media report on it.

Imagine if New Jersey Transit (or any other mass transit system) worked like that. "Attention passengers, Amtrak is reporting switching problems on their tracks into New York Penn Station. We are canceling today's train service until we can better assess the situation. We're sorry for the inconvenience. We estimate this train will be rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Probably, but if the problem persists or the reports are not complete, we may rerun this train again in two weeks." Every time they lose the center-door lights, we'd have to scrap our mission. And we couldn't travel when it rains.

While I don't my boss would approve of this work schedule, I think it would be kinda cool to have to wear those suits. It might be difficult to fit us all into those seats, but it would be so worth it.

Strangers

You know, folks, I realized on my way in to work this morning... you can't really offer total strangers helpful suggestions or constructive criticism. Very rarely will they ever appreciate it. You can't say to that businessman who thinks he's well-dressed, "What were you thinking... brown shoes with a blue suit!?" Women in ponchos will never be grateful when you point out that ponchos are so last season. And no one ever takes a total stranger's advice to heart when you suggest alternative hairstyles that would be more flattering to bone structure.

I mean, let's face it. You see these mistakes daily. Whether it's a ponytail on a woman of a certain age or a gentleman desperately clinging to those long wisps of hair trailing over a bald spot the size of Lake Okeechobee. Heck, forget strangers. Sometimes you can't even say these things to a coworker who wears a plastic red flower in her hair. I guess, we all, in these situations, have to take in a deep sigh of disbelief and just take comfort in the fact that the mistakes of others make us look all that much better.

Keep your thoughts to yourself. Or even better, share them with your friends. Give the offenders fun and humorous nicknames to remember fondly the vision of their freakishness. Or better yet, you can blog about it!

Honey, you're a little too big to wear purple from head to toe. You look like Barney.
Sweetie, [note: I find starting off these comments with an endearing moniker soothes the shock], Sweetie, seriously, don't you think you're a little too tall of a girl to try pulling off that smarmy little bob of a haircut? You look like Emo Philips in drag.
Cookie-kins, there's a right way to wear eye make-up, and there's a wrong way. Can you guess why I'm pointing that out to you?
Poodle, and I call you that because of your hair, poodle, have you ever heard of conditioner? Just a dime size portion does wonders.
Dude, seriously, unless you're an art director, trying to pull off a ponytail with your male pattern baldness makes it look like that rubberband is pulling the hair right out of your head. You're half bald: deal with it, and cut that hair!
Pumpkin, seriously, orange shoes? With sparklies?!?

See now, some people say I'm a b*tch. But I say, my mom told me to do what I'm good at. And I'm really good at being a b*tch, so really, you can't blame me -- you have to blame her!

I've Been Ruined

It's true. I've been ruined for all men forever. I saw Fantastic Four this weekend, and while the movie itself was disappointing, Chris Evans has ruined me for all other men. No man will ever be good enough for me as I will unavoidably compare them to The Human Torch.

I can't wait for Mad TV or SNL to do the spoof of this movie to see what they do with a far-too-worked-out in a Chelsea Queen way Human Torch, calling out, "FLAME ON!" Yeah. You go, sister. Flame on. Uh huh...

More....

OK, they can definitely expand the brand into other businesses. How about medical clinics... The 'I Can't Believe It's Not Heroine Methadone Clinic.'

Keep writing, and keep posting links to our writing exercise. We need more! more! more! So exciting... we're entering round two in the project. It's time to repost, reconnect, and extend. If everyone can please send a note to a friend saying, 'Hey, I heard about this great writing project you might be interested in...' with a link, that would be great!

Happy Weekend, Everyone!

Brand Building

Something I've learned in my business life is how to maximize the value of your brand. When you create a brand from the ground up, you deliver not just a product but a promise of what the consumer should expect from that brand name. Once created, that brand name holds a perceived value and meaning to the consumer above and beyond the base value of the product it is attached to. I wonder why some companies create a brand and never cash in on what they have built.

One brand in particular has consistently delivered a powerful message for decades now. But why have they not put the power of their brand to its full potential? Everyone loves 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!' So why don't they deliver to consumers a full breadth of products:

'I Can't Believe It's Not Ground Meat!'
'I Can't Believe It's Not Parsley!'
'I Can't Believe It's Not HFCS!'
'I Can't Believe It's Not Eggs!'
'I Can't Believe It's Not Marmite!'
'I Can't Believe It's Not Dog Food!'
'I Can't Believe It's Not Bottled Water!'
'I Can't Believer It's Not Chicken!'

There's so much opportunity, and they're really missing the boat.

Back to Work

OK, long weekend of relaxing. Now it's back to work. My brain is only thinking about how relaxing the weekend was, so don't look to me for any spark of insight or creativity today. The only thing I was wondering came from when a small group of my friends were reminiscing about when Carl's dog Oberon got skunked in my backyard last year. You know, they always tell you to take a bath in tomato juice to get rid of the smell of skunk. But they never tell you how to get rid of the smell of tomato. And how do you get peanut butter out of your hair? Just some things I was wondering.